Its not even noon and im already having a nervous breakdown

Roughly two months ago i decided it was time for a change. Things in my life weren't heading in the direction i really wanted them to head, so i decided to change things up a bit. After a solid 6 months of hard work in the gym, bulking up from about 72 to just under 80 kilos, i decided i needed to cut, or diet.

I knew that it wouldn't be an overnight process, i knew it wouldn't be easy and i knew it wouldn't be cheap. It came with its costs, some which don't need to be mentioned and others like the obvious, such as money and time sacrificed and friends or even loved ones being lost. It seems as if i put a lot at stake with going on this diet, many people don't even realize that. Its not as easy as running every morning, its about constantly being hungry, constantly having to eat the same meals, for 15 weeks, every single fucking day. It wasn't fun, no not at all. I had my fair share of support, mostly from my gym partner and also i lot from Tippan, my ex. With these two people pushing me i had to push on through the diet. A few weeks back i got sick at a friends place, decided to fuck it for the first 4 weeks and train and diet through it. After that i realized i couldn't continue and had to take penicillin which meant no training for 10 days and no dieting. I went up about 2 kilos that 10 days but quickly lost it.

Literally the day after i finished my penicillin cycle i became sick YET AGAIN, no thanks to all the people in my house. Everyone is sick in my house atm, it fucking sucks. And with that, i'm now sick for the 6th week in total and im being forced to put my diet on hold.

I was so close to my end goal i could almost taste it. Literally a month away at the max, having already dropped 10kilos plus another 2.5kilos after going up after the penicillin cycle. Right now i'm sitting here in tears, i'm not gonna lie. I'm so fucking emotional right now and now one seems to give a fuck. Its not all fun and shinnanigans being on a diet, not when u dedicate every single day to it. And u push yourself through all the rough times one can possibly have, like I've had the last few weeks. I stuck to it, most of the time. Sure i may have slacked now and then but whatever, i was always under deficit at the end of the week.

With that being said i'm sorry, to all the people who have pushed me and supported me the last two months. I've let all of you down, but my body is not ready for this. It cannot continue. 10 weeks all gone down the drain because of some useless fucking bacteria. Fuck you nature. I did this to myself, i was stubborn and retarded and refused to listen to my body when it was trying to tell me something was wrong, and now it's too late.

Here's some progress pics, taken yesterday. 66.0 kilos on the day.

Peace

I think..

you said something to me once upon a time not too long ago, now fucking act up

Giant

Ivan B, 200cm, turned down Hollister and almost born in 1992. Those of you who know Ivan know that he has recently left Sweden, to start Uni in Maastricht, the Netherlands.

Raised on the grassy plains of his luxurious house in Tanzania, which came with a private driver I believe, Ivan is quite the remarkable person. Known for being a true "smart" person he gave the nerd_girl_squad a run for their money in the 3 years we were all in a class together. I don't know how or where he obtained some of the random facts he blurted out, but it always seemed to make sense, and/or be correct? How did he do that, i still wonder today. His fascination for philosophy always seemed to impress me, i'm not much of a philosopher but i like to do it from time to time, on my level.

Ivan likes chameleons, he would like to be one of the smaller kinds if reincarnation was true. He knows unusually much about the little colorful creatures, much more than any other person i know in fact. He told us this a few days ago, while we sat in Enskede doing our usual Morot Crü things, talking about nothing. So many memories that i have saved up in my brain_memory_bank, of us two, us four and later us five, some even with us seven whilst still in school. He was one of the co-founders of Morot Crü along with Dutchess and Chief Master Boar. A life long friendship (i hope lol) that seemed to orbit around a few simple things, we know what they are and some of you out there prolly know what they are too. Here are a few clues..

Here he is, trying to longboard for the first time right outside of school on a small windy, and quite fast downhill path. I remember this specific time how he went up and down for about 15minutes just riding the longboard, happy and smiling. That was the beginning of a new era, or so i like to believe, of Ivans life. The past two years longboarding has kept MC together even over 11 000 km's away, in South Africa. He took his board down, longboarding and Moroted around in SA flying our banner every where he went.

A true team member and player, some one who was always there for you when you needed ears, eyes a hand or whatever it was, Ivan was always there to help. I remember one specific time, not too long ago when i was quite depressed, we had just discovered a new spot right in the middle of town at a huge football park. The place was called Mannen, because of a strange looking business man who came to sit close by us and smoke cigarettes. At this place we were awake pretty early for us in the summer, it was before noon and we sat waiting for a friend, we spoke about different paths life takes us, has taken, and will take us. So many touchy, dark and really scary subjects were touched upon that day, some of which i still find hard to grasp to the day. Ivan really pulled through that day and as always, said some deep philosophical and psychological mumbo jumbo that he normally does, and all was well in my confused little head, surprinsingly hehe :)

German underground techno with blonde hair and a huge appetite. Those are just a few words that can discribe Ivan. The title of this post however, refers to his ginormous appetite. Whenever we were out chilling and skating in Stockholm, Ivan would be hungry literally, 24/7. Just the other day we were out doing our thing, and he claimed to not be too hungry.. 5min later he walks into a kebab place, orders a meal, eats it and moves on. Shortly after that he bought a coke, a bag of chips and a massive chocolate bar. This is the Giant.

Within the MC, we kinda lived in our own world. A world where the city was kind of like our kingdom, we went wherever we went, did whatever we wanted and no one could stop us. Here is the Giant in his true element, on top of a mother fucking mountain.

Sorry that this was such a messy blog post, but just writing this makes me all teary eyed. I could write so much more about the Giant, but i would rather leave it at this.

A true friend, Ivan you will be missed by more people than just MC and its affiliates, i hope that we can some day meet again, preferably in Amsterdam hehe, but any where really! 

Sick and in harmony

Whenever you need me
Whenever want me,
You know you can call me, I’ll be there shortly
Don’t care what your friends say, cause they dont know me
I can be your best friend, and you be my homie

Tahiti is going bonkers

Havent had access to an actual computer in days, finally got one now.. Realising that smart phones arent as smart as they seem? Atleast not when u dont have a computer to do all the "big" stuff with.. sucks. Some interesting things happening in the world right now; there is a massive hurricane parked outside of New York atm, did anyone say Day after Tomorrow? The conflict in Libya, well im not gonna say much since i havent reaaaally followed it, but i think they managed to win some battles and actually have the former leader on the run? Good job guys, at least we wont have to hear more about Libya in a few months.

A dear friend of mine left the other day, named Ivan. I've only known Ivan since 2007. roughly 4½ years now, but together with him and a few others we created Morot Crü, our longboard crew. We have a few clips of us skating and doing various things around Stockholm, just skating and chilling mostly. We all become such a tight knitted group of friends over the last 2 years, even tho Ivan moved down to Africa for 9 months or so in 2010.. Sadly now, Ivan has moved on to Maastricht in the Netherlands to study there, nice Amdam some time soon? ^^ Another post will come later about Ivan and what we like to call, Giant.

In other news! The ocean is raging in the indo pacific, Billabong is trying to host a surf event at the infamous Teahupo'o in Tahiti but the waves are a bit too crazy. Yesterday i managed to catch some webcast at like 3am, they were having a lay day for the contest and a tow session was arranged. Towing is when a surfer is pulled behind a jetski, so he can have enough speed to catch bigger waves and get massively slotted!

Hopefully they will have the contest up and running soon, they're about halfway thru the waiting period i think? :S

Heres the link to the webcast, followed by a few crazy pics of yesterdays tow in session! Btw, the reasons Chopes, as its called, is so infamous is quite obvious.. Just look at how the wave breaks. The entire ocean gets sucked up and backed up behind the face of the wave leaving almost bare rock at the bottom, about maybe 2 - 4meters deep. So in theory the entire ocean is placed behind each wave for a period.. Check the pics and you will understand!

Bong Pro Tahiti

And a short lil clip here just :)

clas-sic

noun
     - A thing that is memorable and a very good example of its kind
          - he's hoping that tomorrows game will be a classic

Haha

I dont think Mario has ever sounded this good..

Bleh

And on top of all of that..

All I wanna do is surf. I want Cali to come. I wanna sit under the sun. I wanna be able to not worry about work. I want closure. I want peace at mind. I want the beach.

Fuck these emo posts. All this small shit is really starting to get to me.

The side effects of bodybuilding

Before anything is said let's look at the title of this post, note bodybuilder. I've been thinking about this for sometime now and came tho the conclusion that I do indeed fall into the category of "bodybuilder".

If a group of guys play soccer, or football as some may say, then those guys are referred to as soccer players, amirite? Yes, they practice the sport and play it regularly. Therefore this makes them soccer players, or footballers, depending on which side of the planet ur on hehe. The same applies to all sports whether they are team sports such as soccer or individual sports such as chess, swimming or surfing. I may not be the biggest guy around, but I'm still a bodybuilder. I train, and therefore build my body.

With this territory comes a dark and quite frankly, rather unpleasant side, as which is experienced in most sports. Right now, I think I'm experiencing some of these darker side of the bodybuilding life. I've been in a diet for the last month and a half, after a little hiccup at the month mark I managed to pick it up again and am now at a solid 10kg minus. This has had a really bad toll on my mind and body tho, things I don't really want to write too much about tbh.

It's a tough routine and not everyone can accomplish it. Not saying that I'm better than anyone else, because as I just wrote up here, I had a few hiccups along my journey.. and I'm only halfway! So I recently discovered I have sustained a few injuries, both outside and inside of my body due to dieting and overtraining. Dieting is good and all for the body, but if you do it wrong and combine it with over training and being greedy for fat loss then its not such a good thing.

Being sick lately has also helped to my injuries with swollen glands, sore throats and loads of flem being coughed up. Now when I'm finally on medication another thing pops up to hinder my progress, these two injuries

I feel like I could tear someone's throat out, so much rage and anger for being so stupid that I could do this to myself. The pain fuels my aggression which is directed to myself, and my head just starts doing 180s. (No, I'm not cutting myself haha) Sure its only putting me back about two or three weeks, but those are gonna be some long ass weeks, can tell you that now.

There's only one person I really wanna be with right now, but that person is so far from me right now. I don't even know if they think of me anymore. We'll see I guess.

Crystalised

Liking both versions atm, one by The XX and the other by Gorillaz.
Both songs just appeal to me, strangely enough considering my very different music taste - hiphop.

The XX

Gorillaz version right here..

Lez go

Time is going by kinda half fast.. ish

So been super busy, fixing the last of the stuff needed for CALI! Das right, santa barbara is just looking more and more real by the day. Been hanging a lot with Robin lately, some people were outta town but it was cool.

We all went out the other night, to a friend of mines 20th. Me john robin and some others started randomly attempting to freestyle haha, was epic. Met some new people, some girl who was a massive hypercondriact haha. kinda sad, she was cute.. from a far haha :P

Anyways, only a few things left to fix, that being a copy of my passport and the application fee then im free to send off my app to SBCC!

Lotta stuff has been going through my head lately too, dont know what to do or think of it. Its quite strange to be honest, being alone is both scary and exciting yet i still find myself reflecting and reminiscing back to previous months.. i prob shouldnt do it since it makes me feel quite sad and emo, but at the same time it makes me smile remembering the times <3

Maybe another post later tonight about something less boring but for now..

peace out

Russias Toughest Prisons

Was out last night pretty late, chillin n grillin around town. Decided to head home at 3am and watch Russias Toughest Prisons. The shit i saw there was crazy, total self confinement, no contact with other prisoners except your cell mate. Man, this place was crazy.. Black Dolphin Prison, some where in Siberia lol. Would DEFF not wanna be stuck there. Heres a pic of one of the inmates, aka the Cannibal.

"For the first time, three prisons across Russia unlock their doors to an international film crew. From a Siberian prison camp where temperatures plummet to 50 below to the highest security prison, where cannibals, terrorists and serial killers will live out the rest of their days, caged like animals. And, a pass inside infamous Vladimir Central — at over 200 years old, it’s held an estimated one million inmates. Inside Black Dolphin, a cannibal talks openly about his crime, divulging how he boiled, fried and ate his murder victim. In Vladimir Central, a convict opens up about killing his brother-in-law for disturbing his daughter’s peaceful night’s sleep. And inside a Siberian prison camp, we meet two friends about to go their separate ways when one gets paroled."

Russias Toughest Prisons

Splitting atoms in our backyard, literally..

So, was reading the news the other day and found this article.. What a retard, honestly.

"A Swedish man has been arrested after attempting to split the atom in his own home.

Amateur scientist, Richard Handl, admitted his 'project was to build a working nuclear reactor'. He managed to acquire radioactive chemicals, tried to cook them but only managed to blow up his stove.

The 31-year-old claimed there was nothing sinister in his actions but that the work was his hobby."

The article continues reporting he called the Radiation Board and asked whether what he was doing was illegal.. Duh?

"Splitting the atom requires a great deal of expertise. It cost the U.S, Britain and Canada around $2billion, using around 130,000 people, to work out how to do it in 1939.

What the scientists discovered was that splitting a uranium-235 atom unleashed gigantic quantities of energy in a nuclear fission chain reaction.

It is split from being bombarded with neutrons. This releases more neutrons and more energy. The new neutrons then collide with more uranium-235 atoms, which in turn split again and release more neutrons and further quantities of energy, and so on.

Nuclear reactors are designed to release the energy steadily, while nuclear bombs are engineered to release it all at once. They are able to do this because they are stocked with uranium that contains higher levels of uranium-235, also known as enriched uranium.

This is a heavily monitored substance – and trying to obtain any is likely to land you in big trouble."

Remember kids: ALWAYS use a reactor when splitting dem atoms.

Check the full article here at Daily Mail UK

Hakuna matata lez go!

Better or Worse?

Times are changing, and with that so is mankind. People change daily, from smaller everyday changes such as hair and clothing to personality and interests. I recently experienced one of these so called changes, quite a big and serious change for me actually. I was a bit taken aback by the initial change but i think, hopefully, that ill adapt to this new change in my life. At the same time there are many other things changing around me. Peoples lives are constantly changing and i am finally starting to take notice to that. For example, my friend just moved out of his house the other day hence his life is changing, for better or worse i cant tell, but im assuming its for the awesome? HEHE :p

Other things are changing nowadays too, like making plans to move to Santa Barbara with some friends and study two years there - i know community college isnt exactly Harvard, but its something and its not here in Sweden. I want the sun, i want the beach, i wanna surf, skate and just have a good time. Seriously cant wait till January, just hope that everything goes smoothly up until then.. Already had an unexpected/expected (kinda expected at least :P) change, that was my girlfriend of 18 months broke up with.. We kinda decided that life goes on and despite the fact we are both still in love with each other it would be for the best if we seperated and moved on. Both of us still hoping to stay friends and meet each other..

Either way, was out last night at some forest house (as in the music lol not a house house) party, was two different dj stations pumping music all night.. Was out till 6am this morning >_<

Heres my beauty, X, i love you<3

US open of Surfing is ON!!

Alright boys and girls! The US open of Surfing, at Huntington Beach in Cali has officially started! The Nike webcast is up and running with full coverage and commentating by the pro's! Heat #2 is now in the water, looks as if they are running the womens heats first.

http://www.usopenofsurfing.com/live.cfm

Heres the link once again, and a clip to On my level by Wiz!

Laters

First day back at gym..

Right so, first day back at gym today was pretty crappy. My focus was so off today I couldnt really concentrate so good while counting reps and sets and just focusing in general. I've tried some of those pre-workout formulas before, the pump and rush is good (at least the physical side) but im not so sure about the mental side, maybe it will help me focus? I know i was pretty wide awake at one point at like 5am before work, started at 7 that day was a pretty slow day hehe.. :p

Anyways, super off track. Or actually have no idea what the track is today. Gotta head out to meet some guys, they are gonna chill but im deciding not to chill. Will see how it goes, if i can hold myself haha. Sometimes i wish life was as easy as Wiz'

One can only dream..

Digging this guys music at the moment, a few songs to check out are roll up, on my level and fly solo. All pretty interesting, seems like he has gone for a new kind of approach to the whole hiphop seen. It's pretty chill

Lez go (to town :P)